For all the Me’s I’ve Loved Before

loving me ain't always easy
art by dawn kotzer

it’s Valentine’s Day
a day of love and grace; big smiles, big hearts, big wishes, big sex, big hopes…
We send mushy cards, fragrant flowers, yummy chocolates, romantic music and sweet invitations; sweety-heart wishes to friends, family and lovers.
Then it occurred to me:
What do we wish for ourselves today?
What Happy Valentine’s Day message do we send our Self?

Into my head popped a vision of  Willie Nelson…slightly out of key, braids shiny and long framing a wry smile on his wizened face, as he tumbled out a mixed up version of his song…

“for all the Me’s I’ve loved before
for letting me walk out that door
into a world that’s vast and new
and foreign to
the good old ME I loved and thought I knew.”

I must have ate something tainted at lunch…
I didn’t even know I knew any Willie Nelson songs…what was he doing showing up as delivery man in my head? I watched with amazement as a collection of Me-through-the-ages walked across my mind’s center stage.

First, an uncertain Cinderella in Grade 3  halloween attire, no princess gear but rather in servant girl attire, complete with coal dust on face and hands. Oooo, I still remember how itchy that burlap sack smock was…I might have been creative but man, was I uncomfortable.

Scraping chairlegs and total silence came next…I saw my ME-teenager standing on top of a desk in school so I could stare the bully of the classroom eyeball to eyeball while he touched the blade of a penknife to my throat. It wasn’t as dangerous as it sounds…He rode our bus to and from school. I knew where he lived. Still don’t know how I managed not to cry…I was usually such a wimp.

Then it was the summer I wore hotpants to the small town reunion…Hotpink polyester with bright violet trim…and white sandals. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry at this vision…I must have really loved that ME alot to go out in public.

Ahh, a too young blushing ME-bride, sick at heart knowing I was pulling myself in too many directions at once to truly understand if this was a good decision…too late…I Do was already I DID. Yes, I remember that ME…in love with Love.

Then  ME as a young mother, scared to death for my tiny, fevered newborn who had just hurled vomit all over my chest …how sick is too sick? how hot is too hot? Now I can feel the patience and calm, the love within the fear.

The click of high heels followed as a brash, stylish ME strode into my headspace…ready to take on the world of business and design. Oh, yes, I loved that ME so full of ideas and action…and BS. She exhausted me.

Army fatigues, backpacks, freighter canoes; not a high heel in sight…looks like this Me is going camping…no, this ME is going on a 500 mile wilderness canoe trip. I was scared but game for anything. I was a lot of fun. I fell in love with the Me-in-the wilderness.

The ME’s are coming fast and furious, one after the other. At times I barely recognize myself. It seems impossible to believe that I have had so many different relationships with myself. Even Willie is impressed.

Finally, I see ME in the NOW, writing, pondering, taking care of the day as it presents itself.
Some days are filled with Joy and Sweet Tidings. Some days bring flowers and music. Some days are filled with family and friends. Some days are harder than others. Some days I have to dig a little deeper to find the Me I Love…but now, I expect it to get a little easier.

Willie Nelson reminded me of all the ME’s I’ve loved before.
That’s my Valentines’ Day message to Self.
Thanks Willie.

I invite you to come up with your own version of ‘All the Me’s I’ve Loved Before’
Take a moment and see who walks through your door. Can you still feel the love?

Hi. I’m Dawn Kotzer.  Coach, Artist, Wilderness Lover.
When I’m not conjuring up Willie Nelson, I work from my home in the Canadian almost Wilderness to help others fall in love with themselves once again. If you think it’s time to show your own True Self a little love, get in touch.